Jesus, it’s been so long. Or I suppose it just feels that way.
I’m left wondering if it’s just the thought of intelligent conversation that draws my thoughts to her rather than how she was as a person. Maybe it’s both. Maybe they’re the same thing.
It’s hard to reconcile with the idea that whatever I felt with her is just a general feeling, and not an experience unique to one person.
It’s at the basis of a duality that springs from a hedgehog-complex, and I can’t seem to cross the threshold that would allow me to not only get my head around this phenomenon, but to learn to love it from afar rather than be thrown into the seemingly crushing jaws of the prospect of “love.”
I’ve been pondering over this far too long to be healthy or educational at this point, but I feel as if it’s the one topic that could pull me out of this godforsaken feeling of loneliness.
Is there a way to be truly happy alone as I would be with a significant other?
There has to be, right?
The big joke of it was that even the epiphany itself was insufficient to allow me to rise above the folly of an obsolete humanity.
Where in the world do I go from here?
I feel as if I’ve asked all the questions already, and all that’s left is to start hacking away at the pillars of a philosophy I know nurtured me in the past, but does no longer.
Do I change it all?
Do I start anew, knowing full well I’ve dedicated the better part of my conscious life to an idea that drove me over the edge of relative sanity while it neared its “completion”?
I thought I found it, damn it.
I fucking saw it in the center of my mind’s eye, and I could reach out to it.
I felt that unity in this principle.
I felt alive for thinking, grateful for my thoughts, however twisted they may have been.
I felt at home, for fuck’s sake.
Where did it all go?